the phone is ringing

everytime my phone rings i find myself hesitating, afraid for a moment that it is a relative calling to tell me someone is dead.

so far this year i have lost my father and my cousin to death, my grandfather a year before; my sister, an aunt and perhaps a few cousins to the turmoil following. i spent fathers day in a cemetary.

one of my grandmothers will most certainly be dead within the next week or two. she's now unable to eat or drink, and has refused an iv or tube feeding. really its for the best, her dementia is so bad, her mind so far gone, and her body has long since stopped be cooperative, her back pains her to the point of high morphine doses being necessary, and as far as i know she hasnt been able to walk or move about on her own for a year at least. i've watched her health and mind deteriorate for the last several years, markedly so the last year since she went into the nursing home, and privately sworn to myself that i will end it before i ever become so far gone. however expected, however a blessing in disguise, its still a hard shock.

my other grandmother, while still fairly sharp of mind, is at the point where she could go at any time. her body pains her greatly as she stubbornly attempts to get around with her walkers on swollen weak legs. she too takes a fair quantity of narcotics, which barely touch the pain, along with countless other pills designed to keep her alive. her body seems to be slowly wrapping in on itself and shutting down. she has some sort of bone cancer, or something similar, that keeps her blood from producing the health red cells it needs, and regular transfusions are likely the one thing that keeps her on this side of the balance. and should she decide to stop them, should they no longer be enough, that too will likely be it. again, we know its coming, sooner or later, but that doesnt seem to quite mean much when i think of it happening.

then there is my uncle, who's lived a hard life to say the least. at last he's come down to stay, off the streets, away from the drugs. perhaps to be with his mother in her final days, perhaps to finally ease the minds of those who love him, perhaps because he is simply tired. but he too spent the last week in the hospital, his kidneys having fairly well shut down, his blood also dangerously anemic. he's recovered some kidney function, enough to come home, but not enough to be well. he'll be going in for dialysis three times a week. and there are several other things going on with his body that cause troubles too. at this point he may get better, he may live decently for a long time to come. but he may not.

so i pause, i wait, every time the phone rings, every time i answer it, to hear my mother or brother or another uncles voice, telling me that something has happened, one of them has passed, that it is finally over.

i feel damn near guilty simply for being young and reasonably healthy. i feel like i should put my life on pause and spend every moment i can with them. but how? i have neither the resources ro time to do the things i wish i could do, nevermind how completely overwhelmed it all makes me. in truth, unexpected death stalks us all, carpe diem and all that; but the death of my loved ones has haunted me all year. it is grim and unforgiving and going nowhere. someday i'll look back on these years, from the time my grandpa went til the last of my grandmothers is gone, as the years of death. the years when most people my age should be rejoicing and living it up and starting their lives. instead i am milling around, still uncertain of what to do with myself, always short of time, guilty of spending a moment with friends instead of family, and constantly grieving.

and the goddamn telemarketers keep calling, stopping my heart for a moment.


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