the man in the boat would like a bearded clam and a furburger with fries

oh, how i love the various euphemisms we've given our genitals and the things we do with them.

ive been inspired by recent conversations to take a moment to blog about masturbating. unfortunately, off the top of my head i havent got any good slang for the act for women. sure we've got a few highly laughable terms we can use for our 'junk' - as a friend calls it, i think i like that all purpose word best for now - but guys get all the good monkey-spankin' phrases. at least that i can think of. suggestions?

so a different friend & i were discussing, at one point amoung many others, the discomfort brought about by the topic of women masturbating, amongst both men and women. its just an uncomfortable truth in general. sure, lots of forward-thinking hype here and there about being able to know & please yrself to please a lover, mutual, etc, etc. but still it retains its taboo air. we've started to cross the threshold to talk about it in general terms, with a little squirm of discomfort, but its even harder still to admit to doing it.

perhaps, for the sake of my argument i should state here that yes, i can, with only a slight moment of apprehension, admit that i masturbate.

*phew* still hard to spit out, no matter how frank a person is. but that is the point. even the most self-confident or brazen or comfortable or frank or liberated of women (not that i pretend to be many of these things) hesitate to discuss or admit to it. except when really trying just for shocking. it may come up, a little giddily, in drunken good natured conversations, especially on "girls night" or whatever. boggy ground to head out on for a good honest laugh.

but in general, its just not polite conversation. it lacks the comfort and ease with which guys can discuss beating off. maybe its because we're more polite by nature? more demure? more socialized? more stigmatized? more generally oppressed in our gender and sexuality?

maybe its just that sex is still too sweaty a subject all in all for most. simply that its easier to acknowledge the straightforward almost non-sexual act of a guy grabbing his dick than the messier, much sexier activities a woman might engage in?

its so much more varied for women: it can be all in yr mind, a slow seductive tease, a high-priced vibe or the poor-womans shower head, toys and props, or simply a hand; a touch here or there, rough or purposeful, or just an idyll skim; the whole body becomes a playground, not just one tiny nubbin of flesh - though it is a nice nubbin.

maybe its just too much like sex, too detailed to be generalized in a phrase, to mention casually. maybe its just not missionary enough. maybe its still too socially threatening to easily come out with the many things that can be done on ones own, without need of a penis. are they threatened when we dont always need them? a little cliche, but possibly true.

i do tend to indulge more often the longer im single. with enough satisfaction to keep me going. and maybe if i had the money for pricey toys i wouldnt miss guys at all. then again, no matter how lovely and stimulating that bullet may be, it still cant cuddle with you. so i suppose even in that theory, fellas, theres still room for you.

indulge. i like that word for it.

on a side note, i know ive been reading to many english authors lately when i start using words like amongst without thinking.

anyway, off to bed for a little indulgence. ; )

drinking in farm country

i found the tractor.

it somehow became my own little quixotic quest this morning, and, for once, it actually panned out.

somehow seeing a derelict combine, grown over with weeds, hiding in the brambles & trees beyond a field entrance seems to mean that maybe some things may be okay.

cant sleep

i cant seem to sleep again.

sitting comatose, reading or playing games, or even writing some shit blog is more appealing than attempting to go to bed. i tried. i lay there in the dark overwhelmed by my thoughts. dont quite understand why this is all coming down like this now. i keep searching for some sort of trigger, some sense, but it's elusive.

four and a half hours til im supposed to get up and start getting ready for work. yet trying to go to sleep still scares me. holding out a little hope that maybe ill at least get some wild hair up my ass and get this place clean, make some use of this insomnia. but i dont really see that happenning.

fuck.

oh yes, and my headlights have been working perfectly, except for that half hour period it took to drive home, get pulled over twice, and get a 390 dollar ticket. fucking beautiful. how do people not get the idea the universe is out to get them?

the pieces just dont fit

its seems ive been trying for a long time to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and though for a while it seemed there was progress, im begining to think not-so-much-so. whatever the hell it is doesnt really seem to want to be discovered, let alone fixed. it seems to prefer to manifest itself in my life as a million miserable symptoms and strings of crap-luck. dont know what to make of any of it anymore, except that im sick & tired of it. i want to scream for help, but i never knew how.

there is a war

reports im hearing back, it sounds like the gathering is turning into a small war. federal officers - not just the USFS - blockaded the national forrest at the intended site, issued mass citations, and then set-up their own little grind-mill court to quickly process them - and convict.

these werent just your standard kid got caught with bag, driving without a liscense, warrents, or even the strange new forest leash laws.

people were being cited for illegally gathering without a permit! and the few foolish enough to attempt to apply for a permit for their own little camp were promptly denied.

the constitutional right to peacably assemble has been the crux of the issue between the USFS/federeal government and gatherings for years. or at least the surface issue anyway, perhaps not the whole root of the persecution.

rainbows have been holding strong for years to the ideal that it is our RIGHT to PEACEABLY ASSEMBLE in a PUBLIC PLACE. the very most fundamental base of american law garuntees it - the first amendment of the constitution.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

last year some jackass actually signed a permit -- the first time this concession has ever been made (that i know of). and now the USFS and federal government have upped the stakes, as it were. and between public fear and a tyrant in office, i doubt its going to get better. these people waive their rights with alarming speed, turn a blind eye to many questionable abuses and laws. worse, in the name of the defence of freedom. are they all really so daft?

i wish i'd been there, and will make a point to go next year no matter where it is. as silly as some people may think it, and as wild as nationals have been getting, i believe in gatherings and the rainbow family, in the fundamental values and rights that underline it.

set me free

very seriously considering just leaving again. a terrible habit and longing i always have, and always fight to suppress, with only enough success to keep me grounded yet anxious and miserable.

i dont want my life anymore. its miserable and oppressive and i just dont know anymore that it has anywhere to go or anything to accomplish. its all very purposeless.

so again, i want free. to sell all these things that are burdening me, to shed the guilt and obligations and expectations and debt. simply be rid of all of it. all ties, all things, all the excess constantly dragging.

a plane ticket, one way, anywhere.

a goddamn pendulum

im like a goddamn pendulum

and in denial again.

i know theres something wrong here, and i still havent gotten help for it

its such an uphill battle, trying to get things in place to even start. i give up before i ever begin, lacking motivation of any sort. just hope for the best, i guess, that maybe i can keep a handle on things. but days on end are proving this isnt something i can just do, not on my own. its so frustrating and terrifying

???

i wonder sometimes just what it was that seems to have traumatized me so much to leave me this dysfunctional.

my memories arent bad enough to explain this

life used to be life-like...

riff raff is outside, walking in circles, painting lines on my street.

it is beyond surreal

pop-bang-whiz

for the first time in over eight years, it is the fourth of july and i am in a town, listening to fireworks popping off all around me outside my apartment window.

its bizarre, the noise takes me off gaurd, and every time i wonder for half a second what that might be before i realize the obvious. though as they become more regular, closer, faster, louder, the bewilderment is wearing off a little, though not the shock.

ive seen many friends and family who are in town, been invited to a variety of people's personal holiday rituals, and i realize how different mine have become. i kept my morning silence, sent out my little prayer for peace, the same as i have on other years i wasnt actually at nationals, trapsing paths in the woods to main circle on the forth, and the day has passed mostly uneventfully, until now.

that this is foriegn to me, shocking almost. my mouth is gaping in wonderment at the loud noises and bright colors. its almost like being a child again, seeing it new.

so very strange.

bitch, you gotta work for a living

i wouldnt be so naive as to say that most people dont have to work for a living, or that it isnt fair that they get everything handed to them.i know this is a simplistic load of crap.

its not that i want a silver platter full of the things i want from life.

its just that im tired of being on the wrong side of working hard for things v. struggling against increasingly bad odds. that i can say with certainty: most people have to work for what they get, but not everyone has to beat back the wolves with every turn they make.

im tired. im tired of getting that ridiculous feeling that life is waiting around every corner with some nasty surprise every time i think ive made a small step of progress. worse, that its waiting for me once i finally get what ive got a little under control, let alone moving forward.

more and more i find living discouraging. nothing i do seems to make a difference, even when i thought for a brief glimmering moment that it did. this shit is getting old.

"this ain't living, its just surviving," and really it may not even be that.