fucking bastards!!!

yes thats right, another .60 more of tax per pack of cigarettes.

its a goddamn poor tax.

that puts over 2 buck a pack in taxes

cock-sucking mother fucking bastards.

grrr

great bursting buttons batman!

my damn button keeps busting... while i know that the snap on these jeans has been broken for a while, still, talk about a way to make a girl feel chubbs. maybe if im lucky the ass will split soon too.

axe wielding mama

oi vei
there's a lot on my mind that id like to rant on in blogs, it was an internally eventful weekend.
however, my arms are sore and my hands are damn near crippled from chopping firewood and kindling for the first time in several years. i really didnt know hands could hurt this much without actually being broken. probably from having to use a full sized axe instead of a hatchet for the smaller work of splitting kindling.
typing is a tad painful after a little bit, which, given my job, could be agonizing over the next few days. ibeuprofin doenst touch it either. shit.

the intimacy of a friend

again finding myself hanging out with the old & dear...

indeed, ive been inundated with them. jeff-jeff, taylor, thom. there've been a few other old folks ive run into as well, but none quite so miraculous as hearing from this assortment all within 24 hours.
besides not getting enough sleep thanks to all these bastards ;) ive a got a few good nostalgic tangents going again. mostly though its got me thinking on the intimacy of friends, especially old friends, how it wraps you in a certain warm, carries you through silences and rough times.

what started it was thom mentioning how shelly (his girlfriend) didnt especially care for me the first time she met me, about a year ago. see, thom gives the best hugs ever. in general i love hugs from tall skinny guys, theyre usually pretty good for it. but thommy always gives me those hugs where he pulls me off my feet and swings me around and about. its silly, its fun, and when im fee ling chunky it makes me feel all lightweight again ;) well, the first time i met shelly, i had just run randomly into thom at the green and both of us were like 'holy shit' and it was a particularly good swinging, stumbling hug. and mostly what she saw was 'some cute chick hugging and hanging on her boyfriend.' which i cant blame her. as i recall kevin wasnt too thrilled the first time he met thom either, for the same reason, and im not sure the other guys ive dated (though i dont remember as well) were keen at first either.

which i dont entirely blame them for it, but i wont concede the privilidge either. its always a fine territorial balance between old friends and new dates. unless youre dating within yr circle of friends, youve got someone new to introduce to the group (and their group to find yr way into as well), and everyone feels their claim. you want them all to like eachother, to get along, because on both counts these are the people that are important to you, the things that matter, and you would never want to have to choose.

the wieght of relationships. and everyone eyeing eachother, sizing eachother up. as the new date youre wondering what theyre thinking, how heavy their opinion is with yr love, what the relationships and history and jealousy and competition might be, if youre going to get ditched so they can go out drinking. and so on. as the friends youre worried about not seeing youre friend as much any more, if this person will be good to them, if theyre worthy of your friend, if drama will ensue, if theyll pull some jealous-power-trip crap about yr friend not going out anymore. and so on. its a little dance.

usually i try to judge my friends dates first on how they seem to make my friends feel, second on whether or not theyre cutting my friends off, and third on how i like them as a person. all and all ive decided i like shelly. her and thom seem to have a good energy going on, you know, that impression you get on seeing two people interact. they seem to make eachother happy. and the few times ive met her shes been out kicking it and having a good time with thoms old friends here, and she seems pretty cool from hanging out with her last night.

anywho. so back to the intimacy of friends. axcept im running out of time, so i guess ill leave that for later...

serendipity score, baby!

shea, i'll just tell you now, youre going to be jealous ;)

so, besides having a kick-ass productive lunch on friday, getting all my bank stuff sorted out and getting a good tip on & reccomendation for a new job here in walla walla that would make my life much, much easier & give me more money, i stopped at a yard sale on my way back to work and made some great finds.

first i found 3 good kitchen knifes, including a good bread knife, which i needed, all for a quarter. this in and of itself was a nice find. but it gets better. boxes and boxes of books. and finally, someone who has good books at a yard sale -- not romances and watchtower pamplets. again, all the books are a quarter. so i pick up a bunch of stuff that looks like it might be interesting, including a copy of the red tent which is an amazing book and would have cost me 8 bucks at least had i got it used at earthlight (where i did buy a copy of it for my mom about 6 mos ago).

then i started looking thru the kids books. got a little c.s. lewis to re-read and send to my brother. and thats when i found them, the biggest score of the day....

five serendipity books!

not only that, but as i was just checking my list (all my serendipity's are in storage still) they are all five that i dont have yet and two of them are out of print hard to find ones! one of those is maui-maui which ive been looking for forever (i was so excited when i saw it in that box), and the otheris one i've never even heard of, never found on any list as having even existed! now this makes my day. and did i mention i only paid a quarter each for them?!

the new additions are:

buttermilk bear
maui-maui
persnickity
sniffles
tail of three tales
(this is the unheard of one, it's one of the old slim white editions from their original press)

hooray!

bodily ills

i think im starting to pick up my dear friends neurotic hypochondriac habit of feeling there is certainly something very wrong physically with me...

i feel icky in my body. stress makes me break out, and breaking out makes me more stressed, im starting to look like a greasy 16 year old -- but of course without the lack of responsibility or potential of a teenager.

ive gained 5-10 lbs in the last couple of weeks, which of course i never put on evenly or in a flattering way, and on a shorter person its a big difference, it just doesnt sit well. i feel all bloated and like my skin is stretched too tight, my clothes dont fit quite right and self-conciousness is setting in.

ive also realized its been at least 2 yrs now since ive had my yearly, plus i dont think ive even had my period this year -- its increasingly sporadic ever since i got my iud. my joints hurt, severe tension heacaches are becoming par, no matter what i do or whether or not i wear a bra. my tummy has been doing very, very wierd things.

also been feeling very wierd-bad-icky-nauseous sick lately -- if it hadnt been so long since ive been laid id swear i was pregnant. its wierd on that one, like last night i was drinking, a little much but not that much, and it hit me really hard, then i started feeling bad-sick, but not like a drunk sick. it was wierd. and today, along with a nice little throbbing-headache-hangover that has at least has gone away, ive been feeling wierd sick all day.

oddly enough, the neurotic theory thats springing from that is: roofies? maybe i am knocked up afterall, and theres some little fetus-thinger in there growing around my iud. they say if you do get preg w/ an iud and its not removed asap, the fetus just absorbs it. i always had this funny little picture in my mind of a baby born with a perfect little T on its forhead. seriously though, i havent felt like this since i was pregnant, and except the last 2 weeks, i have been out tearing it up a lot, who fucking knows. that is the point of roofs, that there is absolutely no memory of it at all... and ive been such a space case for the last 6 months (ha! my whole bloody life!) that a lapse in memory here or there wouldnt arouse suspicion. i wonder sometimes at all the things that might hide in my blank spots...

and nevermind once you start to get into all the things that could be wrong with me mentally -- depression, manic swings, anxiety, stress, forgetfullness, procrastination, self-esteem, etc, etc, etc...

see? im coming down with a certain someones neurotic habits! leaving the question of whether its contagious, or are we just being empathetic again? we always seem to swing in similar circles, issues and phases, moods, even when we're not around eachother... hetero-lifemates, joined somewhere in the cosmos, swinging our lives & moods in similar archs and patterns whether we like it or not. its odd. reminding me again how grateful i am for my best friends... *sigh* moving from whiney to moppy-nostalgic now...

ech. so there you have it, all the bodily ills you never wanted to know about ;p

plovers

i was talking with my jeff-jeff yesterday, and its got me thinking again about the few people im close to. ive been anti-social again lately, jeff & i were talking about that, among other serious & light-hearted things. perhaps from going so overboard lately, its the backlash. run, hide, an over-developed sense of fight or flight? whatever the cause, im holing up again, feeling wierd around folks, getting twitchy, the usual.

which in turn makes me think more about people - people in general, people i know, relationships, nuances, personalities, etc, etc - and about the way i interact & am, the way people see me. plovers come to mind. throwing out little decoys to the world, letting it think it sees my core, nature, secrets. when really its all a decoy, no matter how personal it looks on the surface. and there are so few with whom i even come close to comfort.

who and what i am is so buried, im always amazed at the things people think i am. there are so many things that people assume, that they see on the surface or that are reflections of their own conceptions. water, in every way, not just molding to my surroundings, but reflecting it back to the outside. could i really be any more stereotypically scorpio? can i hold that up as my defense for my dysfunction? my complete inability to interact with people in any sort of normal way? the tendancy to close up, retreat, keep my own counsel & become irritated with the world around me?

i blame it all on the stars!

speak good english

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

another aspect of my abnormality

when i was a child i spent far more time with books than i did with other people. almost exclusively until i was about 14, and in random stretches since then as well. i've odd habits of pronouncing words in my own way, as shea pointed out the other day, having learned them on a page instead of from other people; of speaking in paragraphs and tangents, that make more sense in writing than vocalized, as another friend pointed out i should be doing instead of talking. run on sentences, love 'em.

wth the books i read, good and bad, thoughtful and smutty, page-turners and deathly slow reads, i tend to develope a relationship of sorts with the characters, the author. not too long ago i left my apartment in a fit at midnight, headed to the green for a beer to calm my nerves, completely enraged with anita shreve and heart-broken for the people in her books, unable to face being home alone after finishing one of her tragic novels. a series or longer books where i can really bond can drive me up the wall, for wanting more, feeling the joys and losses, feeling alone without my new friends once it is over.

i suspect sometimes that its not such a normal thing to be upset or sad for a fictional character.

i've been re-reading the harry potter series in anticipation of the release of the 6th (the half-blood prince) in july. its been about 2 years since i read them all -- right before the release of the 5th. i had read 1-4 several times before that, re-read them while waiting for order of the phoenix to arrive 2 years ago (after a 2 year wait!!), which i read twice - immediately upon recieving it, and then once more to fully absorb it - before putting it away so as not to drive myself nuts waiting for a sixth novel rowling had yet to write (another 2 years! though at least this time it hasnt been pushed back a year beyond when it was expected, due to those damn movies. knock on wood)

so my memory was a lot better of the first four than of the 5th. well, "it's all coming back to me now," as i finished it in a day last night. there was so very much that i'd forgotten. i remembered just enough to have a sense of forboding at some things, but otherwise it was like reading it for the first time. and i had forgotten about sirius. god. maybe its all the frustration & pain in my own life lately that has me feeling so empathetic, so fond of my literary friends, but by the time i got to the end i felt as much in shock as ron, harry & hermione, left with a deep sense of loss and disbelief that it could really be like that.

and from the spoiled perspective of the outsider, im even worse off with possibly false hope that there's some way for him to come back from behind that black curtain. unlike our heros who believe with certainty that he's gone, we readers are aware of that fact that rowling can do just as she pleases further down the road, springing god-knows-what surprises on us and them. not certain that she will, or what those may be, but the thought lingers in that back of the mind that she might. i mean, gandalf came back, right? the heart is certain that it's just too unfair to let him go like that, after so long of hiding and waiting for a chance at freedom & redemption. but then again, rowling is brittish, not as succeptable to the american weakness for soft-edges and a happy ending. there's a greater sense of realism, of life's brutal edge to the perspective. remember that damn dog from independence day? it shouldve died, whoosh, poof, up in flames. but never in a family american film could we kill the damn dog. so while i appreciate this more realistic and honest approach - the integrity of not just killing off the people who are easy to hate - quite a bit, it still makes me sad to lose one of my favorite characters. so i'll cling to a small bit of false magical hope, and wish death on someone not quite as dear to my heart. maybe mcgonagall? i mean, i like her, too, but it would be an easier blow.

so anywho, thats my rambling on my tendency to think of fictional folks as nearly as real as the people sitting in the next cube. god knows theyve made better company at times over the years. ;) and they dont mind that im a little crazy :D

oi, and back to waiting... just a month and a half to go.