some...

feeling rather like ol' bessie smith

"lovin' is the thing i crave
for your love i'd be your slave
you gotta give me some, yes gimme some
cant you hear me pleading, you gotta gimme some

said ms. jones to ol butcher pete
i want a piece of your good ol' meat
you gotta gimme some, oh gimme some
i crave your roundsteak, you gotta gimme some

hear me cryin' on bended knee
if you wanna put my soul at ease,
you gotta gimme some, please gimme some
cant stand it any longer, you gotta gimme some"

oh they were scandelous back in the day, y'all should hear the rest of the song. but thats neither here nor there... its a bad sign when you start sleeping with a stuffed animal again, cause its so soft and fuzzy and something to hold onto besides yrself. in other words, i suspect more and more that im growing lonely (and maybe a little horny? ;) and theres nothing doing that i see. im tired of sleeping alone, of living alone, of spending so much time by myself, of no real options but mastubation. i want someone to share things with for a change, to kiss, cuddle, fuck, all that happy horse-shit. random guys here and there are starting to look a little cuter. moments of thoughtful consideration, and then dismissal of the idea.ach.

oh yes, and then i remember the grand messes ive made in the past, and my oh-so-many-and-diverse issues, and the whole idea of any change to my current routine flies right out the window. perhaps i should just invest in a bigger stuffed animal and a good vibrator?

a note on screaming

screaming, from the gut, primally, is very theraputic. and ranting about just how horrible and pessimistic everything is, well thats pretty theraputic too. oh yes, and breaking things. one of my very favorite therapies that i havent indulged in yet.

but being the nicely self-contained person that i am, its not often if ever i let these sorts of things out to or in front of other people. mostly my own hang up involving trust, self-conciousness, etc, and partially a deep seeded belief that other people dont want to hear this shit.

its very uncomfortable to watch someone fall apart. then theres the tendency to want to calm them and be all optimistic and all that shit, to make it stop and go away asap. while i often wish somewhere in my isolationist soul that someone would simply hold me, i really want to just let it pour out, wallow in it.

and my strong facade, and oh what a facade it is, is deeply offended at the idea of there being witnesses when my deep-running flaws show themselves, at how broken i am. i know i really am crazy, that there is something truly wrong with me, and a few of those close to me are aware of these vital flaws, but i still prefer most people continue assuming its just an odd little joke in that eccentric person they know.

anyway, hence the post on screaming. instead of finding some poor soul to subject to my breakdown, i sat holed up in my apartment and let it all out. i dont really think that post is meant for anyone to read so much as i needed to write it. otherwise those thoughts just keep spinning around my brain, over and over. theyre still there, but not nearly as strong. its like the occaisional journal entry where i scrawl out every goddamn thing that is wrong with me, how terrible and awful and sad and pathetic the things i am and do are. the words lock the power of the ideas someplace else, my mind feels it can let go of it if theyre being kept safely on a page.

so vent a little, and then escape into some other world for a while. i fear drinking sometimes for that - it could lead down a burly path - and have instead turned again to my old, and cheaper, habit of reading. hence the other post. i think that book is the closest ive ever come to a bodice ripper, and it was fabulous. off to goodwill shortly to see what else i can find for fifty cents that will turn my attention away. without enough money to drink extensively, and fear of becoming an alcoholic like my lovely sister, i foresee many hours with my nose tucked into a book. ill pretend im 12 again.

a tawdry solution

24 hours and a thousand odd pages of purely smutty pulp, and i feel much much better.

my life still seems to be floating right on down the shitter, but i feel much more serene about it ;)

really though, what cant a few beers, chain smoking, some trashy fiction and staying up all night not fix?

i mean the book had it all. (actually there were two, the first being a lovely little terry pratchett, and he is simply fabulous for lightening the soul.) the jacket quote promised "great fun... marvelous and fantastic adventures, romance, sex... perfect escape reading!" and it delivered. we've got magic, time travel, epic adventure through WWII briton and the brutal 18th century highlands of scotland, a strapping young hero (the virgin of the story no less!)and a fiesty herione, romance and torn hearts, family loyalties and divine intervention, desperate and devoted love, kinky sex scenes, a good touch of bawdy humor, monks and villians and witches of course, and even the loch ness monster makes a cameo.

definetly a nice little bit of ridiculously smutty escape reading. and after yesterday, i feel much better for the diversion. reading really can be as a good as drugs at times.

on little sidenote though, as our herione ponders the warmth of her lovers body, like a furnace next to her, it led me off on a tangent of the folks ive shared my bed with here and there, and im pretty sure almost every guy i have known is blazingly hot simply lying there, no exertion required. the blankets cover me at night, but never them. why is this, and what is their secret to internal body heat? damn it gets cold at night sometimes.

i started screaming, im not stopping

i completely fucking give up.

i started screaming earlier, and i really dont know if i can stop. something somewhere is trying very hard to find the straw that will break my back. one thing after another. and at the moment i feel like they just found it. im done. i cant take this shit any more. im fucking done, i fucking quit.

im trying very, very hard to believe in the powers of manifestation, belief, the heart. that i can choose to make life work, and it will. but really, it seems right now that this whole goddamn thing is a conspiracy of misery. that there is never any real chance that it will be ok, that i will be ok. things dont work out for the better. and some people are destined to a life of misery and insurmountable odds. i am not the underdog, i am the trampled and downtrodden. i am the mentally ill and the unlucky. and it is never going to truly get better, it is never going to be ok.

horrible, character testing things will come and go. i survived, or thought i had, two terrible years of depression, fought my way out of it. i thought the worst had passed, that i could work hard, physiclly, emotionally, financially, and be able to pull out, to get ahead, to get to where i want to be in life. maybe even stand a chance of doing well. stop surviving and start livng. and for a year, a blessed fucking year, it seemed possible. things seemed to start flowing, working. it felt like what i did could make a difference in my life, that i could make things work, that i was capable and had some sort of control over my life. one year. and thats about as long as it lasted. one fucking year of a tease, a glimpse, a reprieve. lifes little joking lie that things might be ok, that the worst was over. fucking bullshit. its all started again. i keep trying to look bravely up at it. pretend that i can deal with this. its only temporary. a little set-back. and then another. and another. and so on. every fucking time i turn around. every fucking time i think its been bad, itll get better, i can do this. another blow upside the head.

and thus i realize it is never going to be ok. that year was a tormenting glimpse of something i will never have, because it always can and always will keep getting worse. and nothing, nothing i can do will stop that. nothing i do will change the fact that i am fuct. that my life is shit and always will be. that my head and heart are not right, and never will be. misery is my lot.

one thing, just one little thing needs to go right today, be okay. even if it is a tease to the fact that life is shit, i dont think im going to make it through the day if something, anything, any little tiny pathetic thing, cant just work out in my favor.

ive started screaming, and im not stopping.

sweet song

sometimes you hear song that's just so sweet, you wish someone would sing it to you... maybe someone specific, maybe just any fella. heard this on the radio a little bit ago, and the guys a crooner, it set that sweet, lonely ache. (this is already on my myspace... but i like it, so im putting it on both)

Honey, I've Been Thinking About You ~ Jackie Greene

Well I aint interested in the clothes that you wear
in the car that you drive or the cut of your hair
honey, you got something that i can't compare
and i've been thinking about you

And I don't really care about the weather outside
and i don't want to talk about national pride
all that I need for to be satisfied is a
woman who's nothing like me

love is for fools, yes a fool such as i
and i can't tell you how and i can't tell you why
ah but honey I just can't deny you at all

Oh and I don't want to be your two-weekend lover
your boy-in-the-bag, your one-or-the-other
and I ain't looking for a wife or a mother
but honey i've been thinking about you

well maybe you're wrong and maybe you're right
and maybe we could sit here and argue all night
but maybe you just better turn out the lights
cause honey i've been thinking about you

honey i've been thinking about you for a while
and it's driving me mad, yes it's cramping my style
and i aint asking you to walk down the aisle, but I...

Suitcase to staircase, to candelit room
where i sift throught the silk in the air and perfume
and i'll be loving you baby, i'll be loving you soon
cause honey i've been thinking about you...

rat race to car chase to trains in the station
everyone wants to change their location
everyone wants some new inspiration
but i can't stop thinking about you

a little clarification

ok, from my little lamentation of a friend who split town, i thought maybe i should clarify a few things, so as no one is unduly offended (though, really, im not so sure anyone actually reads this, mais ca va... i like ranting in it anyway ;p)

anywho, yes i still have plenty of friends. and yes i know that. and closer ones, too, who i love dearly and would probably freak-the-fuck-out if they went that far away. (we'd figure something out im sure, but still... i mean the 4-6 hour drives are already difficult enough so as to be too infrequent).

and i have people i know & love who can totally deal with my being completely crazy & generally fuct up, and freaked out, and all those other things i do that are sure signs of various mental illnesses.

and i have other friends i can always hang out and have a good time with. and i have folks that im always happy to run into. and folks i can talk with. and a few folks i can truly open up with (though theyre quite a bit fewer, reclusive as i am).

and im not too hesitant about calling just about any of my friends in the middle of the night when im drunk and seem to think its a good idea (unless i know itll be a serious pain to do so, then i try to be thoughtful). and even a few that i know i can always call at 4 am when im seriously losing it.
what im bummed about is that its not always easy to find someone with the proximity to come over when im drunk and/or losing it, at 3 am, who i can be both silly and/or freaking out around, who'll calm me down if its the later, and is almost always up that late... it was just a randomly unique thing. ya know?

again, dont worry - no one is off the hook when it comes to midnight calls - of the ridiculous or bawling nature...

love y'all

(again to whoever actually reads this... though it might help if i actually gave the link to more poeple, i still dont know that would mean anyone would care to waste their time with it...)

for poor or poorer

"and money sucks ass, i hate it, and i need so much more of it.... not really sure what im going to do there... it honestly scares the shit out of me right now, it seems im sinking lower & lower here.... but ill pick up that thread another time."

picking that money thread back up from last night...

fuck. i think i said this before, but i really do feel more destitute now than i ever have in my life. i really dont know how im surviving here, am not really sure that i am. every time i tell myself to suck up, its a little tight now, but it'll get better... i realize that the point where i previously thought things would get a little easier has come and gone and there is still no real end in sight.

it makes me want to give up. which of course would just make things worse. id just like to go into a little coma until it all goes away. or flee the country maybe. clearly a great way to deal with bills & debt, no? i can honestly understand people who kill themselves in face of economic hardship. not to imply thats what im thinking of doing, just that im entirely too empathetic to the overwhelming despair that comes with feeling / realizing 'this aint living, its just surviving,' and barely that if at all.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

its got me swinging so wildly... im frustated and scared and mad and hopeless and despondent and crying and screaming and overwhelmed. i mean, i really dont know what im ultimatley going to do, if i can really pull myself out of this, if life is ever going to be any different, and my mantra of "things'll be ok eventually" is sounding like a thin lie.

there is so much that i need to get done, so many things i'd like to take care of, little things id like to be able to do, big things id like to do someday, things i need ranging from little to small. life should not be this much of a struggle. "they never said it'd be easy, but they never said it'd be this hard." it shouldnt make or break me to pick up a bottle of saline for my contacts or a few fish to keep me company in my apartment. whether or not to get a 2 dollar set of barrettes to keep my hair out of my eyes shouldnt be a major decision. having a beer after work shouldnt be a pipe dream. eating regularly shuold be an option. and somehow in all this im supposed to pay off big bills and figure out how to get expensive dental work & mental health care so maybe i can get to the point where i have a nervous system that can deal with this shit.

cause right now i feel like im going to break.

another mike comes & goes from my life

and on a sadder note, my friend mike left today. an odd friendship, to say the least... ill miss the occaisional cuddling - though not the frustration - but more im really going to miss just shooting the shit with him, the bit of competition he adds to everything, the advesarial debates, and getting thoroughly trashed. the fact that his completely opposite nature always pushes me to reconsider my definitions - even if it is leaning toward stereotype at times.

the somewhat intimate relationship between us, and bizarre attraction, gives the friendship such an odd twist. something about the way we interact made it so much easier to open up & actually talk and do those things normal friends do, that i usually put people through paces for ages before we get to it - and most dont make it. what can i say, im a scorpio, its in my nature to be reserved. for some reason there just always seemed to be a trust there, a comfort. which is wierd considering his general persona. most people who know him socially have been & would be amazed if they knew how supportive and helpful he's been, encouraging when im sinking low. granted, his schedule made it easy to be there at 3 am ;) but still... not many people have seen me cry.

i wish him the best, and know its a good thing that he's moving off & getting started on the more serious things in life... but i still hate losing friends to distance, especially the ones i can always fall into comfortable conversation with. good intelligent conversation is a prize. besides, now who'll buy me a beer when i walk into the bar all dejected & beat-up from work? who else can i call without guilty concience when im drunk at 3 am? ;P really though, im now lacking in people that can come over in the middle of the night when my moods are swinging wildly, not freak out at seeing me going nuts, and simply be there when i need to not be alone.

im reminded of Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)

well, i dont know if ill ever get to really hang out with him again in person, but i hope our paths cross again, ill miss the good company. and mike if youre by chance reading this, a lack of physical presence doesnt let you off the hook from drunken midnight calls... so try to answer every now & then and ill try to be considerate of the time difference ;)

radio wasteland no more

my most recent most exciting discovery:

i am currently listening to 107.7 the end in my apartment in walla walla.

if i want i can toggle to 103.7 the mountain, or even KBCS (a neat a listener-supported, non-commercial station - kind of liberal npr style - from bellevue with some kick-ass vintage-jazz shows).

so freakin' fuckin' cool! i live in radio wasteland, and i can now listen to my very favorite radio stations from the coast whenever i want, instead of having to wait until i start coasting down the pass into seattle! i can now get a good and ecclectic mix of music, new music, artists that are never played on the country and ass-rock stations 'round here. even k-dub has been lacking lately, and oldies gets old at times... and now! sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet! not only that, but they stream in a browser window, so i can listen at work too! my day is so much better. i love it! its almost too good to be true! i must be sure to pay my dsl bill...

oh yes, and i now have 2 purty little bettas to keep me company in this apartment

and money sucks ass, i hate it, and i need so much more of it.... not really sure what im going to do there... it honestly scares the shit out of me right now, it seems im sinking lower & lower here.... but ill pick up that thread another time.


and here, btw, is my plug for my happy favorites:



a kick-ass, mellow, edgy, ecclectic station from seattle... they've got live stream so check it out.

another kick-ass station from the puget sound. its got more edge, and its streaming live too!

a great collection of shows, a little more npr style. listen live! and catch my favorite show, vintage jazz, thursday mornings from 9-11 am.